Severus Horror Picture Show

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AUTHOR: Jean Tarin


Severus’ Horror Picture Show

By Jean Tarin (sort of)

Rated R

Pairing: SS/everyone

Categories: Movie fic

Summary: All I did was steal-borrow-the Rocky Horror script, switch the characters to JKR’s Harry Potter characters, and edit the script using the movie to add stage directions. I wouldn’t have bothered, but I wanted 21 pages of Severus in drag. Yummy!

Additional disclaimer: I own nothing. Stolen-I mean, borrowed-from the Rocky Horror fandom and the Harry Potter fandom.

*The scene opens as the narrator, an older man with white hair and dressed in a tuxedo, spins his chair around to face the audience. He is smoking a cigar.

Narrator: I would like, ah, if I may, take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Ron Weasley and his fiancée Hermione Granger, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Hogwarts that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Albus Dumbledore, ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but, uh, they being normal kids and, on a night out... well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they?... On a night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time.


*Ron and Hermione are driving down a dark road, lined with trees on both sides. The storm is raging around them. A motorcycle flies past them, heading the opposite direction.

Hermione: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

Ron: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.

Hermione: Oh. ...What's the matter, Ron darling?

*They stop short at a roadblock and a sign saying DEAD END.

Ron: Hmmm.. we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.

Hermione: Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?

Ron: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.

*A loud bang sounds.

Hermione: Oh! What was that bang?

Ron: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help.

Hermione: But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

Ron: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use.

Hermione: I'm going with you.

Ron: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

Hermione: I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, and you might never come back again.

*Ron and Hermione get out of the car. Ron kicks the flat tire, and they walk back to the castle. As lightening strikes, it illuminates a sign at the castle gates. Getting closer, we are able to read the sign: ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.


Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Ron and Hermione and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they?


*Ron and Hermione are nearly bowled over as more motorcycles pass.

Hermione: Ron, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened...

Ron: Just a moment Hermione, they might have a phone.

*Ron rings the doorbell. The door is answered by a creepy looking butler.

Alastor: Hello.

Ron: Hi! My name is Ron Weasley, and this is my fiancée, Hermione Granger. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?

Alastor: You're wet.

Hermione: Yes - it's raining.

Ron: Yes.

Alastor: Yes... I think perhaps you better both come inside.

Hermione: You're too kind.

*Alastor motions for them to enter. They hear a party going on. They enter into another room, but are not followed by Alastor.

Hermione: Oh Ron, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Ron: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Hermione: Oh.

*Alastor finally enters the room.

Alastor: This way.

Hermione: Are you having a party?

Alastor: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Hermione: Oh, lucky him.

*Harry slides down the banister to the stairs beside them. He is wearing a maid’s uniform and a red, curly wig.

Harry: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha...


*A clock chimes. Music starts playing. Alastor opens the grandfather clock, revealing a skeleton. He dusts it as he begins singing.


Alastor: It's astounding;

Time is fleeting;

Madness takes its toll.

But listen closely...

Harry: Not for very much longer.

Alastor: I've got to keep control.

I remember doing the time-warp

Drinking those moments when

The blackness would hit me

Alastor & Harry: And a void would be calling...

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

*Alastor and Harry dance/chase Ron and Hermione into a room filled with strange dancing people. They are all dressed in gaudy versions of the tuxedo.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips.

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Harry: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.

So you can't see me, no, not at all.

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

Well secluded, I see all.

Alastor: With a bit of a mind flip

Harry: You're into the time slip.

Alastor: And nothing can ever be the same.

Harry: You're spaced out on sensation.

Alastor: Like you're under sedation.

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Ginny: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think

When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

He shook me up, he took me by surprise

He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.

He stared at me and I felt a change.

Time meant nothing, never would again.

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips....

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

*Ginny tap dances across the room. She is wearing a gaudy gold tux top with short silver shorts and teddy, all sparkling with sequins. A gold top hat and black cane complete the look.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!!

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips!...

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

*Everyone, save Ron and Hermione, collapse after the music ends.


Hermione: Ron, say something.

Ron: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?

*Ron and Hermione back up slowly as the Transylvanians crawl towards them. In the background you can see an elevator descending.

Hermione: Ron, please, let's get out of here.

Ron: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Hermione.

Hermione: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Ron: It's just a party, Hermione.

Hermione: Well - I want to go.

Ron: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Hermione: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Ron: Just a moment, Hermione - we don't want to interfere with their celebration.

Hermione: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Ron.

Ron: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more... folk dancing.

Hermione: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!

Ron: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.



*Severus appears, back turned to the party-goers. He is dressed in a long black cloak with silver lapels. You can see four-inch heels underneath the cloak, which are tapping to a slow drumbeat. Hermione notices him and gasps. Severus turns around, opens the wire elevator doors, and steps out. He has on too much makeup, including bright red lipstick.

Severus: How do you do, I

See you've met my

Faithful handyman.

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked

He thought you were the candyman.

*He struts along a red carpet, stopping when he reaches a silver throne.

Don't get strung out by the way I look.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

I'm not much of a man by the light of day

But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

*He throws off his cloak, revealing black lingerie, complete with garter belt and black stockings. A large pearl necklace adorns his neck. He turns and heads back to the scared couple.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Transylvania.

Let me show you around

Maybe play you a sound.

You look like you're both pretty groovy.

Or if you want something visual

That's not too abysmal,

We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

Ron: I'm glad we caught you at home,

Could we use your phone?

We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Hermione: Right.

Ron: We'll just say where we are,

Then go back to the car.

We don't want to be any worry.

Severus: Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that?

Well, babies, don't you panic.

By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.

I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

*He goes back to his throne, draping his long body across it. The Transylvanians obviously appreciate the view.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Transylvania.

Why don't you stay for the night?

Alastor: Night.

Severus: Or maybe a bite?

Ginny: Bite.

Severus: I could show you my favourite obsession.

I've been making a man

With blond hair and a tan

And he's good for relieving my......tension

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Transylvania.


I'm just a sweet transvestite

Severus, Ginny, Alastor, Harry: Sweet transvestite

Severus: From Transsexual,

Ginny, Alastor, Harry: Transylvania.

*Stepping back into the elevator

Severus: So - come up to the lab,

And see what's on the slab.

I see you shiver with antici --- pation.

But maybe the rain

Isn't really to blame.

So I'll remove the cause.

But not . . .

*He laughs seductively.

Severus: . . .the symptom.

*Closing the door, the elevator ascends.


Hermione: Oh! Ron!

Ron: It's all right Hermione. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.

*Alastor and Harry remove Ron and Hermione’s clothing, to much protesting on Hermione’s part. When they finish, the couple are in their plain white cotton underwear.

Ginny: Oh, slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Ron: Hi, my name is Ron Weasley, and this is my fiancee, Hermione Granger; ah.. you are...?

Ginny: You're very lucky to be invited up to Severus's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.

Ron: People like you maybe.

Ginny: Ha! I've seen it.

Alastor: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

*Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Alastor, and Harry ascend in the elevator.

Hermione: Is he, um, Severus I mean - is he your husband?

Alastor: The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his servants.

Hermione: Oh.

*They exit the elevator to find themselves in the laboratory. Severus is now dressed in a plain gray dress.

Severus: Harry, Ginny - go assist Alastor. I will entertain ...uh huh huh...

Ron: Ron Weasley. This is my fiancée, Hermione Granger.

Severus: Enchante. Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less... vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

*He hands them lab coats.

Ron: Hospitality!? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

Hermione: Ron, don't be ungrateful.

Ron: Ungrateful!

Severus: How forceful you are, Ron. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant. You must be awfully proud of him, Hermione.

Hermione: Well, yes I am.

Severus: Do you have any tattoos, Ron?

Ron: Certainly not!

Severus: Oh well,.. how about you?

Hermione: No.

Alastor: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... word.

*Severus walks up to a podium and speaks into a microphone to the Transylvanians gathered around them him.

Severus: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and paradise is to be mine! It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces seem to fit into place, not a sign of being.. what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT...

Harry & Ginny: An accident!

Severus: ..and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the breath of life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... to life... itself! You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Up now!

*Harry and Ginny remove a large red curtain, reveling Remus.

Severus:...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step up the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS!

*There is much fidgeting with machinery. Remus comes alive. He is wrapped up like a mummy. Alastor and Harry unwrap him, reveling a muscular body dressed only in tiny gold shorts and slippers. Severus touches him and moans over him as he’s unwrapped.

Severus: Oh, I just love success.

Alastor: He's a credit to your genius, master.

Severus: Yes.

Harry: A triumph of your will.

Severus: Yes.

Ginny: He's O.K.

Severus: O.K.? O.K.?!? I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Ron and Hermione, what do you think of him?

Hermione: Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.

Severus: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.


*Severus unwraps a set of barbells with a tag attached saying Happy Birthday Remus.


Severus: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds

Will get sand in his face

When kicked to the ground;

And soon in the gym with a determined chin,

The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause

*Remus tries out his new equipment while Severus dances around him, admiring his experiment.

Will make him glisten ...and gleam.

And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,

He'll be pink and quite clean

He'll be a strong man.

Oh honey...

Severus & Transylvanians: But the wrong man.

Severus: He'll eat nutritious high protein.

And swallow raw eggs...

Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.

Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.

In just seven days...

Severus & Transylvanians: I can make you a man.

Severus: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk.

He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.

Such strenuous living I just don't understand,

When in just seven days, oh baby, ...

I can make you a man.


*The deep freeze opens, and out comes Sirius on his motorbike. He drives around, causing mayhem.

Ginny: Sirius!


Sirius: Whatever happened to Saturday night,

When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?

It don't seem the same since cosmic light

Came into my life, I thought I was divine.

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,

And listen to the music on the radio;

A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show.

You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

*Sirius grabs Ginny and they dance together while the Transylvanians dance with one another.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.

My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.

I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt

And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.

Get back in front, put some hair oil on

Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.

With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.

It felt pretty good. Woo!

You really had a good time.

*Sirus crawls back on his motorcycle and cruises among the Transylvanians.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.


*During the song Severus locks Remus in the elevator and gets a pick ax. As the song ends he attacks Sirius. Ginny, Ron, and Hermione scream as Severus kills Sirius.

Severus: One from the vaults.

*The Transylvanians laugh. Remus rattles the bars on the elevator. Severus runs to him and lets him out.

Severus: Oh baby!.. Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... he had a certain naive charm, but no muscle... Oh!

*Remus flexes his muscles at Severus, sending Severus back into song.



Severus: But a deltoid and a bicep.

A hot groin and a tricep. Makes me, oooh, shake,

Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...ha-ha-hand.

Severus & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.

*Alastor and Harry remove the gray dress from Severus, leaving him in the black lingerie.

Severus: I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

Hermione: I'm a muscle fan.

*Everyone looks at Hermione, eyes rolling all across the room.

Severus: In just seven days, I can make you a man

Dig it if you can

In just seven days, I can make you a man.

*Severus and Remus depart through a back entrance as the Wedding March plays.

Transylvanians: Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

*Ron and Hermione’s lab coats are confiscated, again leaving them in their undergarments.


Narrator: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Ron and Hermione are quite safe, ... however, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.


*Severus, disguised as Ron, enters Hermione’s room. You can only see through a pink curtain.

Hermione: Who is it? Who's there?

Severus (Ron): It's only me, Hermione.

*He crawls on top of her.

Hermione: Oh, Ron darling, come in. Oh! Ron Oh... Yes, my darling...but what if...

Severus (Ron): It's all right, Hermione, everything's going to be alright.

Hermione: Oh, I hope so, my darling.

*She pulls his wig off.

Hermione: Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!

Severus: I'm afraid so, Hermione, but isn't it nice...

Hermione: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Ron?

Severus: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Hermione: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...

Severus: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Hermione: Oh, stop...I mean help...Ron Ron!..Oh Ron!!

Severus: Shhh. Ron's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like... This!

*Severus upends her.

Hermione: Like how??! Oh, it's your're to blame... I was saving myself...

Severus: Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...

Hermione: Promise you won't tell Ron?

Severus: Cross my heart and hope to die...


*Alastor and Harry creep up on the sleeping Remus, chained to his bridal bed. Alastor scares him with a candelabra filled with burning candles. Remus breaks his chains and escapes.


*Severus, disguised as Hermione, enters Ron’s room. You can see the scene through blue curtains.

Severus (Hermione): Oh, Ron darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.

Ron: Don't worry Hermione, we'll be away from here in the morning.

*Severus crawls on top of Ron.

Severus (Hermione): Oh, Ron you're so strong and protective.

*Ron pulls Severus’ wig off.

Ron: YOU!

Severus: I'm afraid so, Ron, but isn't it nice...

Ron: Why YOU! What have you done with Hermione?

Severus: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Ron: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never never...never...

Severus: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. Oh... so soft...

Ron: Stop it...stop it...oh Hermione...HERMIONE!

Severus: Shhh! Hermione's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you... like this!

*Severus upends Ron.

Ron: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the real thing!

Severus: Oh come on, Ron, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, Ron. Oh Ron, you've wasted so much time already...Hermione needn't know, I won't tell.

Ron: Well, promise you won't tell...

Severus: On my mother's graoouuuuuu....

*A signal sounds and a monitor comes on, showing Alastor.

Alastor: Master, Remus has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Harry has just released.. the dogs.

Severus: Mmmmm? Coming!


*Hermione wanders through the castle, talking to herself.

Hermione: What's happening here? Where's Ron? Where's anybody? Oh, Ron. Ron, my darling, how could I have done this to you? Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey... if only the car hadn't broken down... oh, if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons, Oh Ron, what have they done with him... Oh, Ron,

*She flips a switch. A monitor comes on, showing Severus laid out in Ron’s bed. Ron is sitting on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette.

Hermione: Oh Ron-How could you?

*She find Rocky, chewed up and scared from being chased by the dogs.

Hermione: Oh, but you're hurt...Did they do this to you?

*Remus nods. Hermione tears a strip of fabric from her slip.

Hermione: Here, I'll dress your wounds... baby there...


Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from what Harry and Ginny eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Hermione was, indeed, ... its slave.


*Harry and Ginny are watching from another monitor. Harry and Ginny: Tell us about it, Hermione.


Hermione: I was feeling done in, couldn't win

I'd only ever kissed before.

Ginny: You mean she's...

Harry: Uh huh.

Hermione: I thought there's no use getting

Into heavy petting

It only leads to trouble

And seat wetting.

Now all I want to know is how to go.

I've tasted blood and I want more.

Harry and Ginny: More, more, more

*She strips off most of her slip and pulls Remus close against her.

Hermione: I'll put up no resistance

I want to stay the distance

I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night.

Then if anything grows, while you pose,

I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Harry and Ginny: Down, down, down.

Hermione: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction

You need a friendly hand and I need action.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night.

Ginny: Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Harry: I want to be dirty.

Ginny: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,

Harry: Creature of the night.

*Remus and Hermione explore each other.

Hermione: Oh, toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Creature of the night.

Remus: Creature of the night

Ron: Creature of the night?

Severus: Creature of the night.

Harry: Creature of the night.

Alastor: Creature of the night.

Ginny: Creature of the night.

Remus: Creature of the night!

Hermione: Creature of the night.


*Severus and Alastor descend in the elevator. Ron comes out of the elevator behind them. Severus is whipping the butler with a bullwhip.

Alastor: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy!

Severus: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!

Alastor: I was only away for a minute...master

Severus: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

*Alastor turns on the monitor. Albus Dumbldore is on the screen, rolling up to the castle in his wheel chair.

Alastor: Master, master...we have a visitor.

Ron: Hey, Dumbledore! ...Dr. Albus Dumbledore.

Alastor: You know this earthling….

*Severus whips him again.

Alastor: ...person?

Ron: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Severus: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

Ron: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.

Severus: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Albus Dumbledore, his name is not unknown to me.

Ron: He was a science teacher at Hogwarts High School.

Severus: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Ron? He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call UFO's! Isn't that right, Ron?

Ron: He might be...I don't know.

Alastor: The intruder is entering the building, master.

Severus: He'll probably be... in the Zen room. Shall we inquire of him in person?

*Severus pulls a lever, and Dumbledore is brought up the stair to where the other three men wait.

Dr. Dumbledore: Severus Snape, we meet at last.

Ron: Dr. Dumbledore!

Dr. Dumbledore: Ron! What are you doing here?

Severus: Don't play games, Dr. Dumbledore. You know perfectly well what Ron Weasley is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I am adaptable, Dr. Dumbledore; I know Ron is.

Dr. Dumbledore: I can assure you that Ron's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Sirius.

Ron: Sirius! I've seen him!

Severus: Sirius! What do you know of Sirius, Dr. Dumbledore?

Dr. Dumbledore: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Sirius happens to be my nephew.

Ron: Dr. Dumbledore.

Hermione: Ah!

*They hear Hermione moan. Severus uncovers Hermione and Remus, who were having sex nearby.

Dr. Dumbledore: Hermione!

Hermione: Dr. Dumbledore!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Ron!

Severus: Remus!

Dr. Dumbledore: Hermione!

Hermione: Dr. Dumbledore!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Ron!

Severus: Remus!

Dr. Dumbledore: Hermione!

Hermione: Dr. Dumbledore!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Ron!

Severus: Remus!

Severus: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.

*Harry comes charging up the stairs.

Harry: Master, dinner is prepared!

Severus: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.


Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now, this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little.. bon ami.


*They are all gathered around the table. Alastor and Harry bring in the food. Severus carves what appears to be a turkey with an electric carving knife. Harry pours the wine while Alastor gives everyone a slice of the turkey as it’s carved.

Severus: A toast... to absent friends...

All: To absent friends.

Severus: And Remus. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Remus... Shall we?

Dr. Dumbledore: We came here to discuss Sirius.

Ginny: Sirius?!

Severus: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?

*Suddenly, no one’s hungry. Ginny runs off, crying.

Ginny: Excuse me...

Dr. Dumbledore: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined...Aliens!

Remus: Ugh?!

Ron & Hermione: Doctor Dumbledore!

Severus: Go on, Dr. Dumbledore. Or should I say Dr. Von Dumbledore?

Ron: Just what exactly are you implying?

Dr. Dumbledore: It's all right!

Ron: But Dr. Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: That's all right, Ron!!



From the day he was born

He was trouble.

He was the thorn

In his mother's side.

She tried in vain...

Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.

Dumbledore: He left home the day she died.

From the day she was gone

All he wanted

Was Rock 'n' Roll porn

And a motorbike.

Shooting up junk...

Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk!

Dumbledore: Taking everyone for a ride.

All: When Sirius said he didn't like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Severus: What a guy!

Hermione: Makes you cry.

Dumbledore: Und I did.

Ginny: Everybody shoved him.

I very nearly loved him.

I said, hey, listen to me;

Stay sane inside insanity!

But he locked the door and threw away the key.

Dumbledore: But he must have been drawn

Into something,

Making him warn

Me in a note that reads...

All: What's it say?

What's it say?

Sirius's voice: I'm out of my head.

Oh, hurry, or I may be dead.

They mustn't carry out their evil deeds.

All: When Sirius said he didn't like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Severus: What a guy!

Hermione: Makes you cry.

Dumbledore: Und I did.

All: When Sirius said he didn't like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Severus: What a guy!

Hermione: Makes you cry.

Dumbledore: Und I did.


*Severus pulls the tablecloth off the table, revealing Sirius’ gutted body. Everyone screams. Hermione runs into Remus’ arms for protection.

Severus: Remus! How could you?

*A full out chase ensues. Severus chases Hermione. Ron wheels Dumbledore around.



I'll tell you once;

I won't tell you twice.

You'd better wise up, and be nice.

Your apple pie don't taste too nice.

You'd better wise up, and be nice.

I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.

You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.

When we made it, didja hear a bell ring?

Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.

You better wise up, and be nice.

The transducer will seduce ya.


*Severus pulls a lever. The others are locked in place by an invisible force.

Hermione: My feet! I can't move my feet!

Dumbledore: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!

Ron: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Severus: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Hermione: We're trapped!

Severus: It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice.

Dumbledore: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?

Ron: You mean...

Dumbledore: Yes, Ron, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself!

Hermione: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?


Severus: Planet, shmanet, Hermione!

You better wise up, and be nice.

You better wise up, build your thighs up,

You better wise up

Narrator: And then she cried out...

Hermione: Stop!

*Severus was cast against the wall as she screamed and flailed.

Severus: Don't get hot and flustered!

Use a bit of mustard.

Ron: You’d better not try to hurt her, Severus Snape.

*Harry throws a switch and Ron becomes a statue.

Dumbledore: You'd better not try to hurt her, Severus Snape.

*Harry throws the switch again. Dumbledore becomes a statue.

Hermione: You’d better not….

*Harry doesn’t wait to turn Hermione into a statue. Ginny comes flying into the room.

Ginny: My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you spurn me for Sirius, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Remus! You chew people up and then you spit them out again...I loved you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me and Remus.

*Severus nods to Harry. He throws the switch again, turning Ginny into a statue, as well.

Severus: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes my face ache... and my children turn on me...Remus's behaving just the way that Sirius did. Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?

*Harry loses his temper and advances on Severus.

Harry: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh?

Severus: Harry, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Alastor. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.

Harry: I ask for nothing...nothing.

Severus: And you shall receive abundance!

*Severus stalks to the elevator and climbs in.

Severus: Come, we are ready for the floor show!

*He closes the door and ascends. Alastor and Harry smile evilly.


Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Ron and Hermione should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Albus Dumbledore. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Ron and Hermione had both tasted forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals...and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had been shaped by Severus's crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.


*Severus dresses his statues in black lingerie. Their faces are painted like mimes, and they each have a feather boa.



*A switch tuns Ginny back into a human.

Ginny: It was great when it all began.

I was a regular Sevvie fan.

But it was over when he had the plan

To start a-working on a muscle man.

Now the only thing that gives me hope

Is my love of a certain dope.

Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

*Another switch, Remus comes back to life.

Remus: I'm just seven hours old,

And truly beautiful to behold.

And somebody should be told

My libido hasn't been controlled.

Now the only thing I've come to trust

Is an orgasmic rush of lust.

Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

*Another switch, Ron is back.

Ron: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

I'll be good; you'll see.

Take this dream away.

What's this?

Let's see, I feel sexy!

What's come over me?

Wo! Here it comes again.

*Once again, Hermione is back.

Hermione: I feel released; bad times decease.

My confidence has increased; reality is here.

The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.

It's a gas that Sevvie’s landed!

His lust is so sincere.



A screen appears behind the dancers. Severus stands in the middle of a new platform.

Severus: Whatever happened to Fay Wray?

That delicate, satin-draped frame?

As it clung to her thigh

How I started to cry 'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.

Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure

And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh!

Don't dream it, be it.

All: Don't dream it, be it.

*As he sings, the music and magic seduce the others. They join him in singing as they approach him. Soon they are kissing and licking one another. It’s a full-blown orgy.

*A switch falls on it’s own, and Dr. Dumbledore is freed. Dumbledore: Ach! We've got to get out of this trap before this decadence saps our wills.

I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well snap, and my life will be lived... for the thrills!

Ron: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

Hermione: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.



Severus: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,!

I'm a wild and an untamed thing.

I'm a bee with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All: We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're bees with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're bees with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.


*The door opens and Alastor and Harry come in, bearing some sort of strange guns. They are dressed in what are probably military uniforms of some type from their home planet.

Alastor: Severus Snape, it's all over.

Your mission is a failure;

Your lifestyle's too extreme.

I'm your new commander;

You now are my prisoner.

We return to Transylvania.

Prepare the transit beam.

*Everyone backs away form Severus.

Severus: Wait! I can explain!



Severus: On the day I went away...

All: Goodbye...

Severus: Was all I had to say...

All: Now I...

Severus: I want to come again, and stay.

All: Oh, my, my...

Severus: Smile, and that will mean I may. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home.

All: I'm going home.

Severus: Everywhere it's been the same...

All: ...feeling...

Severus: I'm outside in the rain...

All: ...wheeling...

Severus: to try and find a game...

All: ...dealing...

Severus: for sorrow, cards for pain. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home.

Severus & All: I'm going home.


Harry: How sentimental.

*They advance on Severus.

Alastor: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Harry and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Dumbledore: Great heavens! That's a laser!

Alastor: Yes, Dr. Dumbledore. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.

Ron: You're going to kill him? What's his crime?

Dumbledore: You saw what became of Sirius. Society must be protected.

Alastor: Exactly, Dr. Dumbledore. And now, Severus Snape, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to oblivion!

*Ginny screams, and Alastor shoots her. Severus climbs the curtains of the stage, trying to ecscape. Alastor shoots him. Remus goes to Severus, crying. Alastor shoots at him, but Remus isn’t affected. Remus climbs the curtains, carrying Severus’ corpse, but they fall. He and Severus fall to the ground, dead.

Ron: Good God!

Hermione: Oh! You killed them!

Harry: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Alastor: They didn't like me! He never liked ME!

Dumbledore: You did right.

*Alastor advances of Dumbledore, gun pointed at him.

Alastor: A decision had to be made.

Dumbledore: You're O.K. by me.

Alastor: Dr. Dumbledore, I'm sorry about your nephew.

Dumbledore: Sirius? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.

Alastor: You should leave now, Dr. Dumbledore, while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go... Now!

*The humans leave. Harry and Alastor laugh happily.

Alastor: Our noble mission is completed, my most beautiful sister, and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.

Harry: Ah, sweet Transsexual, land of night. To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain... To take that - step, to the right...

Both: HAH!!

Alastor: But it's the pelvic THRUST...
Transylvanians: That drives you insane!
Harry: And our world...will do the Time Warp...again!
*The house is beamed back to Transsexual.


Narrator: And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects, called the human race...
Lost in time, and lost in space,
And meaning.



Usherette: Science Fiction Double Feature.
Severus has built and
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered
Ron and Hermione.
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Picture show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,
Picture show.

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