The Assignment

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AUTHOR: Jean Tarin

TITLE: The Assignment




CATAGORY: Romance, Established Relationship

SUMMARY: After blowing up his third cauldron in a single week, Harry is made to write a ten-page essay. He thinks his lover, Sev, I being unfair about the assignment

DISCLAIMER: Good thing theyíre not mine. Iíd wear the poor guys out!

CHALLENGES: A new twist to an old favorite: # 165) Harry is so flustered by Severus that what he turns in is NOT the Potions essay that was due. Oops! Only this time, what he turns in really IS his assignment!!!!

NOTE: Part of ďFrom Duck til Dawn: the Harry Potter/Severus Snape Fuh-Q-FestĒ at:


Assignment: Write ten feet of parchment on why I should pay attention in Potions class. Attempt to explain where I went wrong on each of the three potions that I exploded this week. Include reasons why I didnít pay attention, and what I was doing instead. Due next Saturday at 3 oíclock.


By Harry James Potter

I should pay more attention in Potions class because if I donít I could kill myself or someone else. Potions can be very dangerous when you donít know what youíre doing, or when you arenít careful while preparing them. I should listen to your directions carefully and take accurate notes to minimize the likelihood of an accident. I should also attempt to find a lab partner that knows what he or sheís doing. That way theyíre less likely to screw up and more likely to notice if Iím about to.

Monday afternoon I blew up a cauldron of Dreamless Sleep Potion. My theory is that I used too many sliced caterpillars, but it may have been too many crushed slugs. Either ingredient is explosive when too much is added to a simmering acidic base. Wednesday I have no idea what went wrong. Iím certain that I only used one ounce of fruit fly larva and one bat wing. Whatever I did, it caused my memory potion to turn a violent shade of orange before it, too, exploded. Thursday morning, however, was not my fault; Ron bumped into me while I was trying to measure out a dash of aconite, resulting in the spectacular fireworks display that everyone in school is still talking about. Itís also not my fault that you decided to teach the Wolfsbane Potion to 7th year students, when itís clearly too complicated for anyone but you to make.

You know, this is stupid. I donít have time to waste on these insane assignments. Just because I made a few lousy mistakes, you think itís okay to give me a three million-word assignment. Itís not as if I have other classes, or a world to save. Itís certainty not as if I have a lover who wants to spend time with me.

Fine, since youíre going to be an arsehole and expect me to write ten feet of parchment in a little more than a week, in my non-existent spare time, Iím going to tell you exactly what I think of you, and half-hope that you actually DO read this.

First of all, you are a heartless, cruel, mean-spirited professor who is biased toward his own House. You treat all Gryffindors like crap just because weíre House rivals. Even Hermione, who does really well in Potions, gets treated like something icky you dice on a daily basis. Youíre unfair, and youíre a lousy teacher. And you act like youíre teaching brain-dead morons. How can you expect us to learn anything when you donít even give us a chance?

The Slytherins, of course, get good grades no matter how badly they do. Hell, Crabbe is nearly as bad as Neville, and you never yell at him or deduct House Points. Of course, you would never take points from Slytherin, would you? Not even if you caught your precious Draco molesting me in the hallway.

With that said, I cannot believe that you would give your own partner such a long assignment. It makes me feel like you donít want to spend time with me, and are just giving me busy work so that you donít have to deal with me. I know what youíre thinking, Sev. Youíre thinking that you hold your mate to the same standards as everyone else. Itís not true, though. Never once, in seven years, never once have you given Neville an extra assignment of more than four feet of parchment. What does that say about our relationship, huh?

I do care about you, with all my heart. I love you more than anything else in the world. I hope you understand how I feel about you, and that you love me, too. Sometimes I think Iím the most important person in your life, and other times, like when you gave me this assignment, I feel like Iím just a bother to you.

Anyway, Iím getting way off topic. Iím sorry, I just thought that this would be a good opportunity to let you know what Iím thinking and how I feel. Iím supposed to be explaining why Iím not paying attention in class, right? Well, here it goes:

I try to pay attention in class, but how do you expect anyone to understand what youíre saying when you say it with THAT voice? Youíre voice flows over my body like warm honey, completely distracting me from the task at hand. Demonstrations are useless, because Iím so focused on those long, talented fingers that I completely miss what theyíre being used for. I canít help but imagine what they could do to my body were they not busy with whatever inane task you expect me to copy.

Monday, while you lectured us on Dreamless Sleep Potions, I was, ironically, daydreaming. I couldnít resist the sensual flow of your voice lulling me to a world that exists only in your bedchambers, a world where you and I are always naked and never far from the large four-poster bed. In this world your strong hands hold onto me tightly. Your long, nimble fingers caress my bodyófirst face, chest, stomach, hips, and then finally wrap themselves around my aching prick.

I imagine that in this world you canít keep away from me. After you have traced my body with your fingertips, your jealous mouth gets into the act. You begin by alternately licking and nibbling on my earlobe, deliberately causing just the slightest hint of pain. Iím breathing heavily as you move to bite my neck. It seems like an eternity that you suck and chew, leaving what will be a beautiful purple love-mark by morning.

Once youíre satisfied that youíve marked me well enough, you move downwards, licking a slippery trail to my left nipple. More suction, this time accompanied by a gentle tugging with your sharp teeth. The slight sting only heightens my pleasure, and my hips begin to move of their own accord, desperately seeking friction.

My head is thrown back, so I donít see the sly smile cross your face, but I know from experience that itís there all the same.

Continuing your downward path, you kiss my chest, ribs, and abdomen. As you reach my navel, you put your wicked tongue to good use, delving deep into the shallow hole and exploring my belly button as if it contained lost treasures. My moans become grunts as every thrust of your tongue sends sparks of need straight to my balls. My already stiff prick jumps when you fasten your lips around my navel and suck hard.

I hear the soft thump of you dropping gracefully to your knees, and my head pops up. Our lust-laden eyes meet, and my heart goes into double-time. You look so sensual there, on your knees, your face inches from my hard cock. The sight alone is enough to make me explode, but I hold back. I want to cum down your throat, and to taste myself on you as you ravish my mouth afterwards.

I watch as that long, talented tongue darts out to lick the tip of my dick. The look on your face is magnificent; your eyes are closed as if in ecstasy. Slowly you lean forward, lips slightly apart, and kiss the head of my cock. The gesture sends shivers down my spine. I feel at that moment as if everything is right with the world.

My vision narrows to the sight of you taking me into your mouth, just the tip at first, followed by the first pulsating inch. I sigh deeply as another inch disappears, and then another. I feel my cock brush against the back of your mouth. Then you swallow. I groan loudly as the rest of my prick slides home. Your nose brushes against my pelvis, and I know that my hair must be ticking you. If so, you show no signs of the discomfort. Instead you withdraw, just a bit, and place your hands firmly on my hips.

You pull my hips toward you, an invitation to fuck your face. I donít need to be told twice. I pull mostly out and shove back in, nearly screaming my pleasure. Our eyes stay locked as I ram my cock down your throat again and again, staving off my orgasm by changing pace frequently.

Iím already on the edge when you slide the tip of your finger through the precum dripping from your own hard prick. Your hand disappears between my legs, skims across my balls, and resurfaces at my arse. I feel your slick digit circle my hole before slipping inside.

I scream your name as I shoot my load, filling your mouth and throat with my hot, thick juice. You continue to finger my arse and suck my cock as the after-tremors abate, ensuring that you drink every drop of my cum. Finally my limp prick slips out of your mouth.

Your strong arms are around my waist as my knees buckle. You gently guide me to the ground and lay me back on the soft rug. Iím breathing heavily and my world is spinning. I try to focus on you, on the pleased smirk you get after making me cum, but itís a lost cause.

As my breathing slows and everything finally comes into focus, I notice that you are lying beside me, propped up on one elbow and facing me. The smirk has already gone; itís been replaced by a contented smile, as if you were the happiest man alive.

I lick my lips; you take the invitation. Closing the little bit of distance separating us, you kiss me with closed lips. After a moment I feel the gentle prod of your tongue against my lips, a polite quest for admittance. I eagerly grant your request, parting my lips just enough for you to snake your tongue inside my mouth.

I taste myself in your mouth; my cum tastes salty and sweet, a combination caused by the average teenagerís diet. Mingled with my flavor is the taste of the scotch you partake of on the weekends and the almost minty flavor that is all your own.

The leisurely kiss soon grows more heated. I can feel your desire pressed against my thigh, and the pulsing of your cock cause mine to stir anew. I reach for you stiff dick, grasping it firmly in one hand while my other hand tangles itself in your hair. I hold you like that for a while, needing to assure myself that you wonít go away, that youíre really there, with me. Yes, even in my fantasies I need to reassure myself that you really are with me, and that you arenít going anywhere.

Losing patience with my unmoving fist wrapped around your gorgeous cock, you begin thrusting your hips, slowly at first, and then faster. I feel so powerful when youíre like this, desperate for release, desperate for me. If I could bottle that feeling Iíd be the richest man in the world.

You protest loudly when I release your cock. For a moment I think that youíre going to hex me. When I roll onto my stomach and spread my thighs wide, however, you moan helplessly.

Your moans are the most beautiful sounds in the world. Did you know that Iíve learned the meaning of every grunt, groan, moan and growl that you make? The moan you make when I spread myself out for you means that Iím about to be ridden hard and fast.

Already sweating in anticipation, I wiggle my bare arse at you, begging you to take me. Iím so ready that I think foreplay will kill me at this point. All I want is your long, thick, uncut cock shoved up my tight arse. I need to be fucked, and fucked hard.

Instead of jumping me like Iíd hoped you would, you summon a jar of lubricant from the bedside table. I watch as you slick you fingers, taking time to tease me as well as to ensure that you have plenty of lube.

It seems like an eternity before you crawl between my parted thighs. One long, sexy finger glides over my hole before slipping gently inside of me. It twists and turns, randomly grazing my sweet spot and wrenching groans of desire from my throat.

I writhe and beg, but youíre merciless. A second finger eventually joins the first, and you begin scissoring me rapidly. I can tell that you, too, are quickly losing patience. You suddenly jerk your fingers from my hole, hurting me just a bit. I try to stifle my disappointment, but Iím sure you hear my protesting groan.

You quickly coat your prick before covering my body with your own. I can feel you lined up against me, chest to back, hip to hip, and cock to arse. The throbbing against my arse cheeks excites me further, and Iím grateful when I feel you slip your hand between our bodies, guiding you hardness to my entrance.

With one quick thrust youíre seated balls-deep inside of me. We grunt simultaneously as you bottom out, making us both feel complete. Without even the slightest pause you pull mostly out and slam back inside. A pitiful, ďUh,Ē escapes me and my hands clutch at the carpet, desperately seeking purchase.

You continue, hard and slow, to pummel my arse. Your cock beats against my prostate, and the constant slapping of your balls against my arse is nearly enough to get me off by itself.

You speed up and begin thrusting even harder. After teasing me so ruthlessly youíre already on the verge of orgasm. I donít mind, because Iím nearly there as well. Your hand is shaking slightly when you reach underneath me, fisting my cock roughly.

You tug my prick once, twice, thrice. A geyser of hot cum shoots from my dick, drenching the floor beneath us. My arse clenches around your cock, wrenching your orgasm from you. You scream my name as you fill my arse with liquid pleasure.

We collapse together on the floor, both of us too tired to make it to the bed. We roll over, away from the wet spot on the carpet, and entangle ourselves together. With a soft kiss to the top of my head, you close your eyes and fall asleep.

Youíre so peaceful, so unguarded after sex. As I watch you sleep, my heart fills with joy. I know then that I truly love you, and that I always will.

It was such a sexy fantasy that I had no hope of accomplishing my tasks. Would you have been able to concentrate with such thoughts running through your brain?

Wednesday I didnít even try to pay attention to your lecture. Instead of working diligently on my memory potion, I was reliving my memories of Tuesday night. Well, that and trying to control the hot blush I got just thinking about it. It was like that in all my classes Wednesday, which truly is your fault.

How can you blame me for the potionís explosion, when all I could think about was the wonderful time we had staring at the stars the night before? When you owled me during supper to invite me up to the Astronomy tower, I assumed that you were planning a simple sexual tryst. I should have known better; Iím dating a man, not a silly teenager, and a man of your creativity wouldnít bother with something so clichť.

I canít tell you how shocked I was when I arrived. The floating candles, red, despite your aversion to the color, were so very romantic. The blanket, red and gold with the Gryffindor lion on the top half and green and silver with the Slytherin serpent on the bottom half, was really a sweet gesture. You never did tell me where you got such a thing. Considering the on-going rivalry between our houses, Iíd almost believe that you made it yourself. But of course, the matching pillows were so soft, so comfortable, that I know you didnít make them. The pillows on your own bed are too firm to be compared to the ones we used Tuesday night.

As if the atmosphere wasnít enough, having champagne and strawberries hovering nearby was perfect. Well, those and the white rose petals scattered across the blanket. Donít white roses stand for true love in the Muggle world? I canít help but wonder what people would think if they were to discover what a romantic bastard their Potions master really is. Donít worry, Iíll never tell. This is one Severus Snape I want to share with no one. Not even Ron and Hermione are privy to such information, not that theyíd believe me.

When I approached, before Iíd even had a chance to take in the amazing scenery, you misquoted my favorite Shakespeare sonnet to me. I love that way you adjusted it to fit me. I can still hear your voice, so seductive, so sweet, saying those lovely words to me, words that Iím sure you used to show me that you love me for me, not for the Boy-Who-Lived, or the young man that is expected to defeat Lord Voldemort.

Iíve scribbled your adjustment to the sonnet in all of my class journals. In fact, I think youíll find it at least half a dozen times in my Potions journal if we have to turn them in. I canít help but write and rewrite your sweet words. They make me feel so special, so loved.

My Masterís eyes are nothing like the sun,
Coral is far more red than his lipsí red,
If snow be white, why then, his chest is dun,
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on his head.

I have seen roses demasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in his cheeks.
And in some perfumes is there more delight,
Than in the breath that from my Master reeks.

I love to hear him speak, yet well I know,
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw Achilles go,
My Master, when he walks, treads on the ground.

And yet, by Heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any he belied with false compare.

You couldnít possibly know how much it meant to me that you used Achilles, rather than any other god or goddess. Itís as if you know that I feel like the world expects me to be their Achilles, minus the traitorous heel. It made me feel so happy inside that you donít expect me to be your Achilles; you just want me to be Harry. And for you, I will be the best damned Harry James Potter that I can be.

You took my hand and helped me to be seated on the symbolic blanket. With a simple wave of your hand you had the bottle of champagne pour itself into two floating glasses, and then you handed me one and took the other for yourself. I could have laughed at you for showing off in front of me. Iíve seen you in the mornings, after all, and we all know that you are NOT a morning person! I know you so well, and yet you canít help but try to impress me. It helps to know that you, too, have insecurities, but Iíll try to make you see that youíre perfect to me, with me, even with your few flaws.

As I sipped my champagne, you fed me strawberries. You have no idea how cute you are when you feed me. I love it when you coddle and pamper me. Iíve told you before how my family treats me, and I canít help but think that you are trying to make up for their mistakes, trying to make me feel worthy of love. If so, youíre doing a fantastic job. I love you all the more for the effort youíre putting into me and into our relationship.

You propped up the pillows and lay back, pulling me back to rest against your chest. There were no lectures that night, no pointing out constellations and telling me their names and meanings. It was just you, me and the stars. Nothing else mattered to us.

When I got to the bottom of the glass of champagne, there was a ring inside. The ring was solid gold, with a large green emerald stone. Yet another melding of our Houses, green and gold. I was sucking the champagne off of it when you took it from my mouth and slid it onto my left ring finger.

ďThis is a promise ring, Harry,Ē you told me. ďIt means that we will be together always.Ē You then told me about how your parents met. The story was so romantic, so sweet, that I found myself close to tears. It also resembled our story so closely that I couldnít help but wonder if ours will end as happily.

Itís hard to imagine two other men meeting over a cauldron, one a professor, the other a student. Of course, they were in a Wizarding university, and we are in a primary school. Your dad, the student, was the aggressor of the relationship, much like I was in ours. The difference was that your papa gave in easily, while I had to fight to get you to even acknowledge that I was a person, and not just another thorn in your side.

You told me how your papa gave your dad this very ring during you dadís last year of schooling, and how he promised that after they were no longer student and teacher, your papa would make an honest man out of your dad. Is that the underlying promise here, Sev? Are you trying to tell me that after I graduate, in four months time, you are planning on asking me to bond with you? If so, I can tell you now that my answer will be yes. I can't imagine life without you. Bonding to you would be the best thing that could ever happen to me, even better than defeating that bastard Voldemort!

You never did explain what kind of magic your parents used to conceive you. Of course, it may be another thing that I would consider common knowledge if not for my Muggle upbringing, but for now I remain in the dark. Iím sure that one day, however, you will tell me their secret. One day, perhaps, we will even do what they did, and bring a baby into the world. Severus Snape, I would love to carry your child.

Iím getting off the topic again, but I canít help it. It turns out that this assignment isnít as bad as I thought it would be. Itís given me a chance to say and ask all the things Iíve always wanted to without fear. Even if you do read this, you can just pretend you didnít if you donít like what I said, or if Iím reading our relationship wrong.

Anyway, back to why I didnít pay attention on Wednesday. You slipped the ring on my finger and complimented me on the way it brought out my eyes. You, like so many others, told me that I have my motherís eyes, but you went further. You also told me that I have my motherís lips, and my dadís nose and eyebrows. As you told me these things, you stroked my face lovingly. These are little things, but they mean so much to me.

I lay back against your chest, and you drew slow patterns over my body. I felt as you drew a heart over where my heart really is, and a half moon over my stomach. Iím not sure if your drawings have any meaning, or if you just wanted to touch me, but either way it felt nice to have your fingers tracing patterns all over my body.

Slowly you inched your way down the pillows until we were laying together, back to front. You turned me to face you and kissed my lips chastely. I opened my mouth and licked your lips, asking entrance. You granted it, and parted your lips ever so slightly. I slipped my tongue into your mouth, seeking your taste. It was even more wonderfully indescribable in real life than in my fantasies. I licked the roof of your mouth, your teeth and your tongue slowly, reveling in your warmth.

After a while you deepened the kiss, tangling our tongues together, a merging rather than a fight for dominance. We continued to kiss this way until I could take it no longer. My hands began exploring your hard, muscled chest. I allowed myself to pause over your nipples, rubbing them gently. You moaned into my mouth, assuring me that you enjoyed my attentions. Soon I was pinching and twisting the hardening nubs through your robes and shirt.

You slipped your hands between our bodies and began unbuttoning your robes. I removed your hands, wanting to do it myself. You let me, but I could tell that you were loosing patience with my fumblings. When at last I had your robes undone, you helped me to pull them off of you, leaving you in a white silk button down shirt and charcoal gray trousers. You looked so sexy in those clothes; itís a shame that you always cover yourself with billowing black robes.

I started in on your shirt, careful at first not to tug the material. Iím sure that the shirt costs more than you earn in a month, but you donít care. You were meant to have the finest things in life, and your familyís wealth ensures that you always do. After the first three buttons were undone, the bared pink peaks of your nipples distracted me. I stopped to lick and suck on the beautiful nubs, eliciting gasps of excitement from you.

I lost patience and began fighting with the buttons on your shirt without leaving your nipples. As my ministrations got rougher, I started steadily chewing your taunt pink nubs. It seemed an eternity before I had your shirt off, joining you robes on the cold, hard concrete ground near our blanket. I immediately attacked your trousers, tugging the buttons loose without care.

You placed your hands over mine, and I looked up at you. You shook your head, a sign that I needed to calm down, to let it last. I sighed deeply, more interested at that point in getting us off than in the slow build-up of pleasure that you prefer. Remembering that this was an important night for you, for us, I tried to relax. I slowly dragged your trousers down over your hips, allowing the material to skate across your skin teasingly. I was pleased you see that you hadnít bothered with shorts that night.

Laying my face in youíre lap, I gently kissed my way down the front of your cock, over the tip, and back up the underside. Turning my attentions back to the tip, I played with your foreskin, pulling it slowly backward and foreword, a play of pleasure that always drives you mad. I could feel your body shaking with the effort of not thrusting your hips, but I wanted you to. I wanted you to shove your long, hard cock right down my throat. Pulling back your foreskin again, I sucked the eyehole of your cock, drinking up the precum that was leaking freely.

You gave in, and your hips jerked forward, ramming your cock into my mouth. I swallowed once, twice, and you slid down my esophagus, nearly choking me. For the first time ever I was deep throating you. I fought my gag reflex, wanting to make the night as special for you as you were making it for me. While I know that animalistic pleasures are not the reason that weíre together, I wanted to do something for you, anything, to make you remember this night for eternity.

Thinking back to all the times that youíve taken me deep into your throat, I decided to try humming, to see if youíd enjoy it as much as I do. The gasps of pleasure and jerking of your hips assured me that you did, so I try humming louder. You actually began humping my face, as if you couldnít get enough of the sensation. You tangled your hands in my hair, pulling me down onto your cock as you thrust forward. I could feel the slapping of your balls against my chin, and it excited me beyond anything short of having you buried in my arse.

You moaned continuously, interspersed with cries of, ďFuck yes!Ē and ďOh, Harry!Ē I slid my left hand underneath you to toy with your balls while my right hand dug into your left hip, nails breaching the skin. My hands moved with you, more to keep touching you than an any effort to guide you. You were doing fine guiding yourself!

I knew you were getting close when you began encouraging me in Italian. Did you know that you do that? I never know what youíre saying, but it turns me on none the less. Your cries of ďSucchiaremi!Ē and ďRondine Ť!Ē assured me that you were about to cum.

I felt you pulling back on my head, trying to dislodge me, as you shouted your warning. I resisted, wrapping my lips more tightly around your prick so that I could feel every pulse as you gushed down my throat, feeding me your juices.

You lay there, breathing heavily and staring at the nightís sky, one arm wrapped tightly around me. When you came back down, you looked me in the eyes, graced me with one of your rare smiles, and kissed my head. I thought you had gone mad until you said, ďThank you, Harry. That was the best blow-job Iíve ever had.Ē

I laughed then, not at you, but at how you change so drastically. One hour youíre Professor Severus Snape, Bastard Extrodinaire, and the next youíre Sev, my lover. As Sev, you laugh often and smile occasionally. You have a much less sinister, and much funnier, sense of humor. Hell, youíre even nice to dumb animals! Youíre so warm, so loving, that I have to wonder where you hide the wonderful man inside you during the day. I know you donít hide him in your robes, because we can be doing nothing more than chatting, fully clothed, for him to come out of hiding and let me know that he loves me.

You stared into my eyes thoughtfully for a moment before saying the five words Iíve always wanted to hear you say. ďMake love to me, Harry.Ē

I was struck dumb by the request. After all the times weíve been together, all the times, weíve made love, Iíve never topped. You confided to me once that as a Death Eater you were forcibly sodomized, and that you have an aversion to bottoming as a result. Iíve never again asked about it, or tried to convince you to let me top. Though I admit Iíve always longed to be inside of you, I care too much about you to try to do anything that youíre not ready for.

I asked you if you were sure, and you nodded once. With that single nod you told me that you trusted me, and that you were ready to take the next step in our relationship. It meant more to me than any ring ever could, not because of my desire to top, but because of the trust it took for you to allow me to. I vowed to take it slowly and to make sure that you got as much pleasure from it as possible, as much pleasure as youíve always given me.

Before I even moved to touch you, I decided to make sure that you were fully aroused again. Thatís one good thing about being wizards. Did you know that Muggle males over thirty canít have sex more than once, maybe twice a night? They just donít have the stamina that wizards have. Also, being gay is a sin in their world. Not to mention dating someone half your age, and your student. We would have been ridiculed in their world, and you probably would have been locked up. Luckily, we live in our world, where people are sane, and realize that you have to grab love where you can, no matter who youíre attracted to.

I stood up and slowly dropped my robes to the ground. You stared at me, a goofy grin on your face, as you realized what was about to happen. I danced around, knowing that to anyone else I would look like a fool, but you seemed to appreciate the show. I wiggled my arse at you and made lude gestures. You seemed to be quite entertained by the show as you cock tried, lazily, to rise.

I faced away from you and teasingly removed my sweater. When I turned back around, I was using my left arm to cover my nipples, as if I wasnít going to let you see them. You growled in frustration as I started to thrust my hips at you, taunting you. Finally I dropped my arm, allowing you to see how hard my nipples had gotten from all the excitement. Not that there was any doubt about my desires given the bulge in my trousers.

I unfastened my trousers before turning back around. More dancing and wiggling of my arse, and then I turned back toward you, tempting you with the sight the top of my shorts. Inch by maddening inch I tugged the tight pants over my hips and down my thighs. When they finally hit the ground, and I kicked them off, I thought that you were going to pounce on me.

You were a good boy, though, and remained where you were, not quite contented to watch the show. I half expected you to shove a galleon or two down my shorts. Then my underpants followed the path of my trousers, teasing until the head of my prick popped out. After that they came off quickly as you pierced me with a hungry gaze.

You beckoned to me, a predatory smirk on your face. I came to you, fully undressed and painfully aroused. You spread your legs for me, making plenty of room for me to sit comfortably between your strong thighs. You werenít completely hard yet, but I was sure that you would be soon.

You handed me a small bottle of lube, the good kind that you make yourself. I took the bottle, hands shaking a bit from nerves. It took me a minute to undo the lid, which you had put back on too tightly the last time we used it. As I slicked my fingers generously I taunted you with the sight of my fingers sliding in and out of the small bottle. You took the lube away from me and nodded again, silently encouraging me to get on with it.

I teased your tight entrance with a single digit, circling the pucker lightly at first, and then more firmly. When I finally slid the finger inside of you, I felt your arse clamping around it. I started to pull my finger free, but you moaned deeply, and I knew that it was all right to continue.

I snaked my finger further inside, exploring the dark cavern. I felt you up from the inside, fully enjoying the sounds you made. When my finger grazed a small knot, you nearly shot up off the blanket as your grunted your pleasure.

As I watched you begin to relax, I noticed that you were hard again. With a satisfied smirk I added a second digit. I continued exploring and rubbing against your prostate until I became too impatient. I began scissoring your opening gently, afraid of hurting you.

ďHarry,Ē you whispered to me, ďIím not a virgin. Please, donít be so careful. I donít think I can wait that long.Ē

Eagerly my stroking and scissoring became more aggressive. I was about to add a third finger when you handed the jar back to me, and, voice rough with desire, said, ďNow. Take me, Harry.Ē

I quickly but thoroughly coated my cock, not wanting to waste any time. I lay on top of you; my body pressed firmly against yours, and captured your mouth with mine. As I devoured your sweet mouth, my hand pushed itís way between our bodies and grabbed ahold of my prick. I stroked myself a couple of times to firm my erection back up, which had softened only slightly while I was preparing you.

Gently I aimed the head of my dick at your entrance. I pushed the tip past the tight ring of muscles and was rewarded when your arse clenched around me. The sensation was too fantastic to describe; I could have cum that very moment if it werenít for the thought of being buried completely inside of you.

I pushed a bit further in, wanting to go slow for you, but you seemed to have other ideas. As I pushed down, you pushed up. In one long, slow, satisfying motion, my entire length was swallowed by your needy hole. My contented moan as I bottomed out was answered by a feral growl from you.

We stayed like that a moment, both of us adjusting to the new sensations of filling and being filled. Once you were ready to continue, you clenched your muscles tightly around my cock. Having done the same to you many times, I understood the signal immediately and pulled mostly out before slowly pushing back in.

I continued at that agonizing pace, pulling out carefully before sliding slowly back in. I could feel my heavy balls tapping against your arse with every push. Before long we both needed more, and my motions became less careful. I began pounding into you faster, but still gently.

ďHarry,Ē you cried out, ďPlease, fuck me.Ē

That was all it took. The restraint I had been able to keep was lost, and my rhythm became hard and fast. I seemed to go deeper inside of you with each thrust, my balls spanking you rather than tapping you. I could feel sweat dripping off my face and could see it combining with yours and soaking into the blanket beneath you.

Harder and faster. I could see by your face that you were getting close, and I knew I couldnít hold out much longer. I needed to fill you with my seed as well as my cock. I slammed into you again and again, desperately seeking release.

Youíre orgasm hit first. Cock untouched, your cum gushed between us, slicking our sweaty bodies even further. The extra fluids made the sliding easier, and the pounding faster. My cock drove deeper and deeper inside of you. It felt as if my prick were 12 inches long, and every inch was being massaged by your clenching muscles.

I stilled completely, unable to move as a hot geyser exploded from my dick. You continued to milk my cock as my body trembled with release. I collapsed on top of you, too tired and sated to move.

It took me a while to realize that we were back in your bedroom when I awoke. Of course, it probably would have been much easier if my cock hadnít been encased in your hot mouth, your tongue snaking over my most sensitive areas like a pro. As soon as I snapped my eyes open, you released my prick. Grinning mischievously, you teased, ďIt time for you to floo back to Gryffindor Tower. We wouldnít want your friends worrying about you now, would we?Ē

Growling I flipped you over. You were still naked, and so was I, so I found it easy to rub my erection against your half-hard dick. The friction was marvelous, so I increased my pace. You quickly became fully aroused again and were moaning incoherently.

As we lie there rubbing against one another, I was struck by sudden inspiration. Summoning the jar of lubricant from the bedside table, I got on all fours, still straddling your body. I hastily coated my fingers and prepared my own hole, shoving two fingers inside myself and wiggling them around. Then I used my slick had to fist your cock, making you as slippery as I could.

You were grunting with satisfaction when I stopped. I positioned myself above your cock, held it straight up, and sat down. All at once I was filled with that gorgeous cock of yours. You were so deep inside of me that I felt like I could taste you. I began rocking back and forth, rubbing my prick against your stomach as I rode yours.

You grabbed me around the waist and began moving me up and down, trying to find a rhythm that would serve our purpose. Soon we had it right, and I was practically jumping up and down, trying to drive your long dick even deeper into me. The angle had your cock rubbing against my prostate with every downward motion, and I was nearly there before weíd even begun.

You ran your finger through the precum dripping from the head of my prick and used it to slick the tip. Then you drew circles around the tip, covering my pee slit with each round. After that, it took about two minutes for me to shoot my load all over your stomach. My body stilled completely, but you continued to jerk your hips upward, ensuring that you still pummeled my sweet spot as I came.

When Iíd calmed down from my climax, you held me even more tightly around the waist as you flipped up over. You slung my legs over your shoulders and continued to fuck me hard and fast. You were grunting like an animal as I was stammering encouragements to you. I kept telling you how good you were and how much I needed you. When I slipped and told you that I loved you, your thrusts sped up faster than I thought was even possible. You came hard, screaming my name and fucking me for all you were worth.

Afterward you held me tightly for a few minutes. Looking at the clock, you finally told me I needed to go back to my own room. As I flooed back, I swear I heard you say that you loved me, too.

Thursday morning I really, really was trying to pay attention. I honestly know how important the Wolfsbane potion is, and why more people need to be able to make it. Not only would that make it available for more werewolves to get access to it, but it would also make it more likely for them to be accepted by Wizarding society. Even more important to me, if for some reason you were unable to make the potion for Professor Lupin, then someone else would be able to make it.

I know that with enough practice Hermione, at least, would be able to make the Wolfsbane potion. I donít think that the rest of us stand a chance, though. Itís a really confusing potion to make, and it seems like you and Hermione are the only one who could possibly understand it. I did, however, try to pay attention to what you said, rather than just to your sexy voice.

Unfortunately, as I watched you glide across the room I couldnít help but remember the recurring dream Iíve been having for the past three weeks. In it you and I are on the beach. Weíre the only people on there, and itís a hot, sunny day.

It always starts with us swimming in the ocean water. As I swim around I try not to watch you, but I canít help it. Youíre floating on your back, and my eyes are constantly drawn to the sight of your small, tight blue swim trunks clinging wetly to your body. I can see the curve of you balls and the angle of your cock through the thin material.

Iím soon hard just from the sight of you. I subtly remove my own trunks to free my painful erection. The trunks, heavy from the water, sink to the ocean floor. Completely nude, I stand there in the chest high water, stroking myself and staring at you. You look over at me and we lock eyes. Iím sure that you know what Iím up to, because you start stroking yourself through the small shorts.

You beckon to me with your free hand and I swim over to you. Still floating on your back, you ask me to rub your feet. I can almost hear the unspoken challenge in your voice. You know that I know that your feet are one of your strongest erogenous zones, and youíre challenging me to excite you enough to make love I the water.

Feeling more than up to the challenge, I take your left foot in both hands and begin gently massaging the arch. I move slowly toward your heel, massaging more firmly as I go. I move back up your foot using a little more pressure until I reach your toes. I take each toe in turn, massaging gently again so as not to hurt you.

As I lavish to bottom of your foot with attention, you continue to rub your rapidly growing erection. Obviously, this is one challenge that youíre quite anxious for me to meet. Your moans are near constant, growing louder as I use more pressure or hit the right spots. By the time I switch to your right foot youíre fully aroused, but showing no signs of admitting it.

I give your right foot the same treatment as I did the left, only using firm pressure the entire time. After I finish with your toes, I move to your ankle, rubbing the small knot suggestively. I continue my path up your leg, rubbing your calf muscles just hard enough to relax you.

You lose your precarious balance and sink into the water. You come back up standing, feet planted firmly on the ocean floor. The water is chest high on you, and nearly neck-high on me. Itís times like this that I really resent our height difference.

You move to wrap your arms around me, but I have other ideas. I dunk under the water and resurface standing behind you. When I come up from the water, I waste no time; I begin rubbing your shoulders and neck, knowing that a back rub is one of the quickest ways to excite you. From there I work my way slowly downward, enjoying the way that you arch your back to meet my hands. From the way you purr I start to wonder if your Animagus form would be a cat.

I pause when I reach the juncture just above your lovely arse. You growl threateningly, so I continue. I kneed each cheek separately before trailing my finger between them. You bend your body forward as if waiting for me to slide a finger inside of you, but again, I have other ideas.

I sink back under the water, but his time I donít resurface, instead kneeling in front of you. You donít seem to realize where I am until I pull your blue shorts down and off, freeing your throbbing erection. You look down at me as I look up at you, and you smile ferally. Still gazing up at you through the water, I take the tip of your prick into my mouth, lavishing it with my tongue. I release you and amuse myself for a while by blowing bubbles at your cock.

I resurface as I run out of oxygen. Smiling wickedly I ask, ďHow are you with transfigurations?Ē

ďPotter,Ē you reply, ďI have no desire to be sucked off by a fish.Ē

I laugh. ďI just want a set of gills for ten minutes.Ē

ďI think not,Ē you refuse, using your classroom voice, ďBut I think I can arrange for you to need no air for that long, if you like.Ē

Knowing that Iíve hit on something that really excites you, I nod my head vigorously

ďNon egeo spiritus.Ē

I suddenly feel light-headed. You wrap your arms around me to keep me from falling and tell me, ďStop trying to breath, you imbecile. Youíre going to pass out.Ē

I stop breathing and the dizziness abates. Not wanting to waste any more of my ten minutes, I drop to my knees. I lick the head of your dick before sucking you in, all the way to the root. Either not needing air makes it much easier to deep-throat you, or in my dream world Iím a damned good cocksucker, because not only can I take your entire prick into my mouth and throat, but also I am able to lick the base without problems.

I can feel your body tensing with the effort of not bucking your hips or grasping my head. Not wanting you to be too tense to enjoy yourself, I reach up and take your left hand. I put it on my head, giving you silent permission to do as you please. You take the hint and tangle on hand in my hair. Then other hand goes to my cheek, where you can feel yourself filling my mouth.

You thrust forward, slamming your enormous cock deeper down my throat. Your balls smack against my chin and my nose is buried in your pubic hair. It tickles slightly, but that only increases my desire. I can feel your prick throbbing against my tongue and the roof of my mouth. Your fingers trace the shape of the bulge in my cheek as you pull back.

You continue at a slow, hard pace, slamming your cock down my throat before pulling gently out. Not content with the amount of self-control that youíre showing, I use one hand to trace your balls. I press gently on the spot right behind you heavy sac and am rewarded with a grunt that I can hear even under water.

The added stimulation causes you to lose your self-restraint, and your pace becomes almost frantic. I swallow and suck, still massaging your balls and ccasionally hitting the sweet spot behind them, but I add one final thing. I use the middle finger on my free hand to trace your puckered arse hole.

You cum hard, screaming my name and filling my throat with your hot juices. I have to grab your hips to keep you from falling on top of me. It takes me a moment to realize that you are trying to get underneath the water with me. When I do realize what youíre doing, I let go of you, and you quickly sink to your knees.

You pull me into your arms and press your lips firmly against mine. I allow my lips to part, and you take immediate advantage, sliding your tongue past my teeth to explore my mouth. You lick the roof of my mouth, my tongue, and my teeth, devouring my mouth and your own cum. I fight back, tangling our tongues together in a duel for domination.

Soon both of us are in need of oxygen, and we surface together, still holding tightly to each other. After several heaving breaths you again capture my mouth, but this time your hands get in on the action. I can feel your strong fingers caressing my nipples and chest while one hand holds almost too tightly to my hips.

I break the kiss and, in a nearly rasping voice, beg, ďTake me, Severus. Please. I want you right now.Ē

Staring into my eyes you suggest that we move to the beach.

I shake my head vigorously. I donít want to make love on the beach. I want you to ravish me in the water, just as we are.

You seem to like the idea. I feel your right hand leave my hip, only to reappear on my arse. You gently separate my cheeks and tease my wanting hole with one finger. After circling the pucker several times, the finger pushes slowly past the ring of muscles. My arse welcomes the intruder, sucking your finger in past the second knuckle with little effort.

You wiggle your finger around inside of me until you find my prostate, which you stroke relentlessly. I scream and writhe, enjoying the attention almost too much. I groan when you slide your finger out, but am quickly pacified by its return with a second digit.

You scissor my opening, remembering to rub against my sweet spot regularly. My knees are getting weak as the pleasure mounts, but I try to hold myself steady and enjoy your ministrations.

A third finger joins its mates, and the stretch is almost too much. I concentrate on relaxing my muscles as the tip pushes itís way in, followed by the first knuckle. Eventually the second knuckle of the third finger is inside of me, and I feel as if Iím stretched to the maximum capacity.

Again you wrestle your fingers around inside of me, stroking my prostate often. Slowly you loosen my tight entrance, preparing me for a much larger intruder, and one that is much less kind.

Slipping your wet digits from my aching hole, you wrap your arms around my waist. You heave me up and wrap my legs around your waist, a perfect position for our current surroundings.

Wrapping my arms tightly around your neck, I take several deep, calming breaths. Weíve done this dozens of times before, but it always hurts, just a fraction, at first. Though Iíd never admit it to you, you always seem to know when Iím not-quite ready. You run the fingers of your left hand through my hair while your right hand strokes my thigh lovingly.

Once youíre convinced that Iím ready, Your left hand leaves my hair and grips your generously renewed erection. You tease my pucker with the uncut tip, making me beg and groan.

You soon give me what I want, sliding just the top of your engorged cock inside of me, stretching me much more than three fingers ever could. I begin panting heavily, wanting you to thrust your entire prick inside me at once to get the initial pain over with.

You once accused me of being a perpetual virgin. You claimed that no matter how many times weíd had sex, or how rough you got, I was always perfectly tight again by the next night. I assume thatís a good thing, and am always sure of it when I see the blissful look on your face as you enter me.

Instead of thrusting hard, getting the pain over with, you choose to inch your way inside my channel, dulling the pain as best you can and distracting me. I feel your long, talented fingers caressing my balls, starting at the very back and working their way forward. Then I feel you playing on the underside of my prick, massaging it lightly as you continue to inch your way in.

By the time you reach the leaking head of my dick, youíre fully seated inside of me. Most of the pain is gone, but it always takes a couple of hard strokes for the blinding pleasure to take over.

You pull gently out, as if afraid that youíre still hurting me, before slamming home, hard and fast. Again, carefully pulling out, and ramming that sweet cock right back up my arse. Itís exactly what I want, what I need, and I show my appreciation by biting you sharply on the shoulder.

You grunt as you pull back out, this time none too gently. You quickly set a pace after that. Fast and hard. In and out. Ramming me, riding me, fucking me until I canít think straight. Iím seeing stars by the time I feel your hand wrap around my pulsing cock. You tug on it several times, and, in a reaction that can only be described as volcanic, I cum, hot lava shooting through the water and washing away in a pearly-white cloud.

Iím jolted back to reality by sharp nails digging carelessly into my hips. Youíre so far gone that you donít even realize that youíre hurting me. All you can do is pound into me as you pull me to you, clawing desperately for release.

I love it when youíre like this. When you completely loose control. You are no longer Professor Severus Snape, Prick Extrodinaire. Youíre not even Sev, my loving, but still in control of himself, partner. Youíre truly yourself when you let go like this. You cry out things that Professor Snape, or even Sev, would never say. Things like, ďFuck yes,Ē and ďChingas me,Ē escape those nastily delicious lips of yours, and itís almost enough to make me hard again. Almost.

I clench my muscles as tightly as I can around your anxious cock, trying to milk the orgasm from you. When you finally do release, one hand is tangled in my hair, bringing my neck forward. You have your teeth sunk into my neck as you continue to limply hump my arse, waiting for the after-shocks to abate.

The sensation of your teeth buried in the flesh of my neck IS enough to get another reaction out of me, despite the fact that Iíve barely come down from one of the most intense orgasms of my life. My half-hard cock jets a small spray of juice, which dissipates quickly into the water.

After a fruitless search for our robes, we swim, still nude, back to the beach. We lay two huge towels side by side and make ourselves comfortable facing one another.

The dream always ends with you staring me in the eyes and telling me that you love me. Itís not overly sappy or anything, just three simple words. I wake up instantly, heart pounding in my ears, wondering if Iíll ever hear those words, I mean really hear them, when Iím awake. Overhearing what you might have said hardly counts.

So tell me Sev, do you love me? Or is it all just a dream?

Anyway, thatís what went wrong all week. Donít expect much better next week. I have a lot riding on this report, and the results will cause Potions catastrophes no matter what they are.

Hopefully, Iíll be far too happy to pay attention to anything but you. I pray to be preoccupied with your billowing robes, which only I know hide the secrets to bliss unimaginable. I hope to spend the lesson fantasizing about what I want to do to you, about what I want you to do to me. Mostly, I beg that Iíll be reliving the time we spend together that no one else knows about. Our time. That, and I just might be planning for the future if everything goes as I hope. I know, Iím an optimistic Gryffindor with no hold on reality. But if it gets me you, then I donít care!

Of course, if it goes the other way, Iíll be far to busy trying to hide my face and avoiding you. Iíll be much too afraid to attempt any Potion-making, as anything brewing in my cauldron brings you close to me, whether to praise or to mock.

So what will it be? Iím dying to know.

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Severusí Horror Picture Show

By Jean Tarin (sort of)

Rated R

Pairing: SS/everyone

Categories: Movie fic

Summary: All I did was steal-borrow-the Rocky Horror script, switch the characters to JKRís Harry Potter characters, and edit the script using the movie to add stage directions. I wouldnít have bothered, but I wanted 21 pages of Severus in drag. Yummy!

Additional disclaimer: I own nothing. Stolen-I mean, borrowed-from the Rocky Horror fandom and the Harry Potter fandom.

*The scene opens as the narrator, an older man with white hair and dressed in a tuxedo, spins his chair around to face the audience. He is smoking a cigar.

Narrator: I would like, ah, if I may, take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Ron Weasley and his fiancťe Hermione Granger, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Hogwarts that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Albus Dumbledore, ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but, uh, they being normal kids and, on a night out... well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they?... On a night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time.


*Ron and Hermione are driving down a dark road, lined with trees on both sides. The storm is raging around them. A motorcycle flies past them, heading the opposite direction.

Hermione: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

Ron: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.

Hermione: Oh. ...What's the matter, Ron darling?

*They stop short at a roadblock and a sign saying DEAD END.

Ron: Hmmm.. we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.

Hermione: Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?

Ron: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.

*A loud bang sounds.

Hermione: Oh! What was that bang?

Ron: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help.

Hermione: But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

Ron: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use.

Hermione: I'm going with you.

Ron: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

Hermione: I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, and you might never come back again.

*Ron and Hermione get out of the car. Ron kicks the flat tire, and they walk back to the castle. As lightening strikes, it illuminates a sign at the castle gates. Getting closer, we are able to read the sign: ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.


Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Ron and Hermione and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they?


*Ron and Hermione are nearly bowled over as more motorcycles pass.

Hermione: Ron, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened...

Ron: Just a moment Hermione, they might have a phone.

*Ron rings the doorbell. The door is answered by a creepy looking butler.

Alastor: Hello.

Ron: Hi! My name is Ron Weasley, and this is my fiancťe, Hermione Granger. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?

Alastor: You're wet.

Hermione: Yes - it's raining.

Ron: Yes.

Alastor: Yes... I think perhaps you better both come inside.

Hermione: You're too kind.

*Alastor motions for them to enter. They hear a party going on. They enter into another room, but are not followed by Alastor.

Hermione: Oh Ron, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Ron: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Hermione: Oh.

*Alastor finally enters the room.

Alastor: This way.

Hermione: Are you having a party?

Alastor: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Hermione: Oh, lucky him.

*Harry slides down the banister to the stairs beside them. He is wearing a maidís uniform and a red, curly wig.

Harry: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha...


*A clock chimes. Music starts playing. Alastor opens the grandfather clock, revealing a skeleton. He dusts it as he begins singing.


Alastor: It's astounding;

Time is fleeting;

Madness takes its toll.

But listen closely...

Harry: Not for very much longer.

Alastor: I've got to keep control.

I remember doing the time-warp

Drinking those moments when

The blackness would hit me

Alastor & Harry: And a void would be calling...

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

*Alastor and Harry dance/chase Ron and Hermione into a room filled with strange dancing people. They are all dressed in gaudy versions of the tuxedo.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips.

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Harry: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.

So you can't see me, no, not at all.

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

Well secluded, I see all.

Alastor: With a bit of a mind flip

Harry: You're into the time slip.

Alastor: And nothing can ever be the same.

Harry: You're spaced out on sensation.

Alastor: Like you're under sedation.

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Ginny: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think

When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

He shook me up, he took me by surprise

He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.

He stared at me and I felt a change.

Time meant nothing, never would again.

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips....

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

*Ginny tap dances across the room. She is wearing a gaudy gold tux top with short silver shorts and teddy, all sparkling with sequins. A gold top hat and black cane complete the look.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!!

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips!...

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

*Everyone, save Ron and Hermione, collapse after the music ends.


Hermione: Ron, say something.

Ron: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?

*Ron and Hermione back up slowly as the Transylvanians crawl towards them. In the background you can see an elevator descending.

Hermione: Ron, please, let's get out of here.

Ron: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Hermione.

Hermione: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Ron: It's just a party, Hermione.

Hermione: Well - I want to go.

Ron: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Hermione: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Ron: Just a moment, Hermione - we don't want to interfere with their celebration.

Hermione: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Ron.

Ron: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more... folk dancing.

Hermione: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!

Ron: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.



*Severus appears, back turned to the party-goers. He is dressed in a long black cloak with silver lapels. You can see four-inch heels underneath the cloak, which are tapping to a slow drumbeat. Hermione notices him and gasps. Severus turns around, opens the wire elevator doors, and steps out. He has on too much makeup, including bright red lipstick.

Severus: How do you do, I

See you've met my

Faithful handyman.

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked

He thought you were the candyman.

*He struts along a red carpet, stopping when he reaches a silver throne.

Don't get strung out by the way I look.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

I'm not much of a man by the light of day

But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

*He throws off his cloak, revealing black lingerie, complete with garter belt and black stockings. A large pearl necklace adorns his neck. He turns and heads back to the scared couple.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Transylvania.

Let me show you around

Maybe play you a sound.

You look like you're both pretty groovy.

Or if you want something visual

That's not too abysmal,

We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

Ron: I'm glad we caught you at home,

Could we use your phone?

We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Hermione: Right.

Ron: We'll just say where we are,

Then go back to the car.

We don't want to be any worry.

Severus: Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that?

Well, babies, don't you panic.

By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.

I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

*He goes back to his throne, draping his long body across it. The Transylvanians obviously appreciate the view.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Transylvania.

Why don't you stay for the night?

Alastor: Night.

Severus: Or maybe a bite?

Ginny: Bite.

Severus: I could show you my favourite obsession.

I've been making a man

With blond hair and a tan

And he's good for relieving my......tension

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Transylvania.


I'm just a sweet transvestite

Severus, Ginny, Alastor, Harry: Sweet transvestite

Severus: From Transsexual,

Ginny, Alastor, Harry: Transylvania.

*Stepping back into the elevator

Severus: So - come up to the lab,

And see what's on the slab.

I see you shiver with antici --- pation.

But maybe the rain

Isn't really to blame.

So I'll remove the cause.

But not . . .

*He laughs seductively.

Severus: . . .the symptom.

*Closing the door, the elevator ascends.


Hermione: Oh! Ron!

Ron: It's all right Hermione. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.

*Alastor and Harry remove Ron and Hermioneís clothing, to much protesting on Hermioneís part. When they finish, the couple are in their plain white cotton underwear.

Ginny: Oh, slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Ron: Hi, my name is Ron Weasley, and this is my fiancee, Hermione Granger; ah.. you are...?

Ginny: You're very lucky to be invited up to Severus's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.

Ron: People like you maybe.

Ginny: Ha! I've seen it.

Alastor: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

*Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Alastor, and Harry ascend in the elevator.

Hermione: Is he, um, Severus I mean - is he your husband?

Alastor: The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his servants.

Hermione: Oh.

*They exit the elevator to find themselves in the laboratory. Severus is now dressed in a plain gray dress.

Severus: Harry, Ginny - go assist Alastor. I will entertain ...uh huh huh...

Ron: Ron Weasley. This is my fiancťe, Hermione Granger.

Severus: Enchante. Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less... vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

*He hands them lab coats.

Ron: Hospitality!? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

Hermione: Ron, don't be ungrateful.

Ron: Ungrateful!

Severus: How forceful you are, Ron. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant. You must be awfully proud of him, Hermione.

Hermione: Well, yes I am.

Severus: Do you have any tattoos, Ron?

Ron: Certainly not!

Severus: Oh well,.. how about you?

Hermione: No.

Alastor: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... word.

*Severus walks up to a podium and speaks into a microphone to the Transylvanians gathered around them him.

Severus: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and paradise is to be mine! It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces seem to fit into place, not a sign of being.. what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT...

Harry & Ginny: An accident!

Severus: ..and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the breath of life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... to life... itself! You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Up now!

*Harry and Ginny remove a large red curtain, reveling Remus.

Severus:...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step up the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS!

*There is much fidgeting with machinery. Remus comes alive. He is wrapped up like a mummy. Alastor and Harry unwrap him, reveling a muscular body dressed only in tiny gold shorts and slippers. Severus touches him and moans over him as heís unwrapped.

Severus: Oh, I just love success.

Alastor: He's a credit to your genius, master.

Severus: Yes.

Harry: A triumph of your will.

Severus: Yes.

Ginny: He's O.K.

Severus: O.K.? O.K.?!? I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Ron and Hermione, what do you think of him?

Hermione: Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.

Severus: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.


*Severus unwraps a set of barbells with a tag attached saying Happy Birthday Remus.


Severus: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds

Will get sand in his face

When kicked to the ground;

And soon in the gym with a determined chin,

The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause

*Remus tries out his new equipment while Severus dances around him, admiring his experiment.

Will make him glisten ...and gleam.

And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,

He'll be pink and quite clean

He'll be a strong man.

Oh honey...

Severus & Transylvanians: But the wrong man.

Severus: He'll eat nutritious high protein.

And swallow raw eggs...

Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.

Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.

In just seven days...

Severus & Transylvanians: I can make you a man.

Severus: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk.

He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.

Such strenuous living I just don't understand,

When in just seven days, oh baby, ...

I can make you a man.


*The deep freeze opens, and out comes Sirius on his motorbike. He drives around, causing mayhem.

Ginny: Sirius!


Sirius: Whatever happened to Saturday night,

When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?

It don't seem the same since cosmic light

Came into my life, I thought I was divine.

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,

And listen to the music on the radio;

A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show.

You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

*Sirius grabs Ginny and they dance together while the Transylvanians dance with one another.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.

My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.

I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt

And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.

Get back in front, put some hair oil on

Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.

With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.

It felt pretty good. Woo!

You really had a good time.

*Sirus crawls back on his motorcycle and cruises among the Transylvanians.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul,

I really love that rock 'n roll.


*During the song Severus locks Remus in the elevator and gets a pick ax. As the song ends he attacks Sirius. Ginny, Ron, and Hermione scream as Severus kills Sirius.

Severus: One from the vaults.

*The Transylvanians laugh. Remus rattles the bars on the elevator. Severus runs to him and lets him out.

Severus: Oh baby!.. Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... he had a certain naive charm, but no muscle... Oh!

*Remus flexes his muscles at Severus, sending Severus back into song.



Severus: But a deltoid and a bicep.

A hot groin and a tricep. Makes me, oooh, shake,

Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...ha-ha-hand.

Severus & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.

*Alastor and Harry remove the gray dress from Severus, leaving him in the black lingerie.

Severus: I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

Hermione: I'm a muscle fan.

*Everyone looks at Hermione, eyes rolling all across the room.

Severus: In just seven days, I can make you a man

Dig it if you can

In just seven days, I can make you a man.

*Severus and Remus depart through a back entrance as the Wedding March plays.

Transylvanians: Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

Severus and Remus, rah-rah-rah!

*Ron and Hermioneís lab coats are confiscated, again leaving them in their undergarments.


Narrator: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Ron and Hermione are quite safe, ... however, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.


*Severus, disguised as Ron, enters Hermioneís room. You can only see through a pink curtain.

Hermione: Who is it? Who's there?

Severus (Ron): It's only me, Hermione.

*He crawls on top of her.

Hermione: Oh, Ron darling, come in. Oh! Ron Oh... Yes, my darling...but what if...

Severus (Ron): It's all right, Hermione, everything's going to be alright.

Hermione: Oh, I hope so, my darling.

*She pulls his wig off.

Hermione: Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!

Severus: I'm afraid so, Hermione, but isn't it nice...

Hermione: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Ron?

Severus: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Hermione: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...

Severus: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Hermione: Oh, stop...I mean help...Ron Ron!..Oh Ron!!

Severus: Shhh. Ron's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like... This!

*Severus upends her.

Hermione: Like how??! Oh, it's your're to blame... I was saving myself...

Severus: Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...

Hermione: Promise you won't tell Ron?

Severus: Cross my heart and hope to die...


*Alastor and Harry creep up on the sleeping Remus, chained to his bridal bed. Alastor scares him with a candelabra filled with burning candles. Remus breaks his chains and escapes.


*Severus, disguised as Hermione, enters Ronís room. You can see the scene through blue curtains.

Severus (Hermione): Oh, Ron darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.

Ron: Don't worry Hermione, we'll be away from here in the morning.

*Severus crawls on top of Ron.

Severus (Hermione): Oh, Ron you're so strong and protective.

*Ron pulls Severusí wig off.

Ron: YOU!

Severus: I'm afraid so, Ron, but isn't it nice...

Ron: Why YOU! What have you done with Hermione?

Severus: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Ron: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never never...never...

Severus: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. Oh... so soft...

Ron: Stop it...stop it...oh Hermione...HERMIONE!

Severus: Shhh! Hermione's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you... like this!

*Severus upends Ron.

Ron: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the real thing!

Severus: Oh come on, Ron, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, Ron. Oh Ron, you've wasted so much time already...Hermione needn't know, I won't tell.

Ron: Well, promise you won't tell...

Severus: On my mother's graoouuuuuu....

*A signal sounds and a monitor comes on, showing Alastor.

Alastor: Master, Remus has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Harry has just released.. the dogs.

Severus: Mmmmm? Coming!


*Hermione wanders through the castle, talking to herself.

Hermione: What's happening here? Where's Ron? Where's anybody? Oh, Ron. Ron, my darling, how could I have done this to you? Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey... if only the car hadn't broken down... oh, if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons, Oh Ron, what have they done with him... Oh, Ron,

*She flips a switch. A monitor comes on, showing Severus laid out in Ronís bed. Ron is sitting on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette.

Hermione: Oh Ron-How could you?

*She find Rocky, chewed up and scared from being chased by the dogs.

Hermione: Oh, but you're hurt...Did they do this to you?

*Remus nods. Hermione tears a strip of fabric from her slip.

Hermione: Here, I'll dress your wounds... baby there...


Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from what Harry and Ginny eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Hermione was, indeed, ... its slave.


*Harry and Ginny are watching from another monitor. Harry and Ginny: Tell us about it, Hermione.


Hermione: I was feeling done in, couldn't win

I'd only ever kissed before.

Ginny: You mean she's...

Harry: Uh huh.

Hermione: I thought there's no use getting

Into heavy petting

It only leads to trouble

And seat wetting.

Now all I want to know is how to go.

I've tasted blood and I want more.

Harry and Ginny: More, more, more

*She strips off most of her slip and pulls Remus close against her.

Hermione: I'll put up no resistance

I want to stay the distance

I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night.

Then if anything grows, while you pose,

I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Harry and Ginny: Down, down, down.

Hermione: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction

You need a friendly hand and I need action.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night.

Ginny: Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Harry: I want to be dirty.

Ginny: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,

Harry: Creature of the night.

*Remus and Hermione explore each other.

Hermione: Oh, toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Creature of the night.

Remus: Creature of the night

Ron: Creature of the night?

Severus: Creature of the night.

Harry: Creature of the night.

Alastor: Creature of the night.

Ginny: Creature of the night.

Remus: Creature of the night!

Hermione: Creature of the night.


*Severus and Alastor descend in the elevator. Ron comes out of the elevator behind them. Severus is whipping the butler with a bullwhip.

Alastor: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy!

Severus: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!

Alastor: I was only away for a minute...master

Severus: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

*Alastor turns on the monitor. Albus Dumbldore is on the screen, rolling up to the castle in his wheel chair.

Alastor: Master, master...we have a visitor.

Ron: Hey, Dumbledore! ...Dr. Albus Dumbledore.

Alastor: You know this earthlingÖ.

*Severus whips him again.

Alastor: ...person?

Ron: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Severus: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

Ron: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.

Severus: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Albus Dumbledore, his name is not unknown to me.

Ron: He was a science teacher at Hogwarts High School.

Severus: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Ron? He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call UFO's! Isn't that right, Ron?

Ron: He might be...I don't know.

Alastor: The intruder is entering the building, master.

Severus: He'll probably be... in the Zen room. Shall we inquire of him in person?

*Severus pulls a lever, and Dumbledore is brought up the stair to where the other three men wait.

Dr. Dumbledore: Severus Snape, we meet at last.

Ron: Dr. Dumbledore!

Dr. Dumbledore: Ron! What are you doing here?

Severus: Don't play games, Dr. Dumbledore. You know perfectly well what Ron Weasley is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I am adaptable, Dr. Dumbledore; I know Ron is.

Dr. Dumbledore: I can assure you that Ron's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Sirius.

Ron: Sirius! I've seen him!

Severus: Sirius! What do you know of Sirius, Dr. Dumbledore?

Dr. Dumbledore: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Sirius happens to be my nephew.

Ron: Dr. Dumbledore.

Hermione: Ah!

*They hear Hermione moan. Severus uncovers Hermione and Remus, who were having sex nearby.

Dr. Dumbledore: Hermione!

Hermione: Dr. Dumbledore!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Ron!

Severus: Remus!

Dr. Dumbledore: Hermione!

Hermione: Dr. Dumbledore!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Ron!

Severus: Remus!

Dr. Dumbledore: Hermione!

Hermione: Dr. Dumbledore!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Ron!

Severus: Remus!

Severus: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.

*Harry comes charging up the stairs.

Harry: Master, dinner is prepared!

Severus: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.


Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now, this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little.. bon ami.


*They are all gathered around the table. Alastor and Harry bring in the food. Severus carves what appears to be a turkey with an electric carving knife. Harry pours the wine while Alastor gives everyone a slice of the turkey as itís carved.

Severus: A toast... to absent friends...

All: To absent friends.

Severus: And Remus. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Remus... Shall we?

Dr. Dumbledore: We came here to discuss Sirius.

Ginny: Sirius?!

Severus: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?

*Suddenly, no oneís hungry. Ginny runs off, crying.

Ginny: Excuse me...

Dr. Dumbledore: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined...Aliens!

Remus: Ugh?!

Ron & Hermione: Doctor Dumbledore!

Severus: Go on, Dr. Dumbledore. Or should I say Dr. Von Dumbledore?

Ron: Just what exactly are you implying?

Dr. Dumbledore: It's all right!

Ron: But Dr. Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: That's all right, Ron!!



From the day he was born

He was trouble.

He was the thorn

In his mother's side.

She tried in vain...

Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.

Dumbledore: He left home the day she died.

From the day she was gone

All he wanted

Was Rock 'n' Roll porn

And a motorbike.

Shooting up junk...

Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk!

Dumbledore: Taking everyone for a ride.

All: When Sirius said he didn't like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Severus: What a guy!

Hermione: Makes you cry.

Dumbledore: Und I did.

Ginny: Everybody shoved him.

I very nearly loved him.

I said, hey, listen to me;

Stay sane inside insanity!

But he locked the door and threw away the key.

Dumbledore: But he must have been drawn

Into something,

Making him warn

Me in a note that reads...

All: What's it say?

What's it say?

Sirius's voice: I'm out of my head.

Oh, hurry, or I may be dead.

They mustn't carry out their evil deeds.

All: When Sirius said he didn't like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Severus: What a guy!

Hermione: Makes you cry.

Dumbledore: Und I did.

All: When Sirius said he didn't like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Severus: What a guy!

Hermione: Makes you cry.

Dumbledore: Und I did.


*Severus pulls the tablecloth off the table, revealing Siriusí gutted body. Everyone screams. Hermione runs into Remusí arms for protection.

Severus: Remus! How could you?

*A full out chase ensues. Severus chases Hermione. Ron wheels Dumbledore around.



I'll tell you once;

I won't tell you twice.

You'd better wise up, and be nice.

Your apple pie don't taste too nice.

You'd better wise up, and be nice.

I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.

You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.

When we made it, didja hear a bell ring?

Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.

You better wise up, and be nice.

The transducer will seduce ya.


*Severus pulls a lever. The others are locked in place by an invisible force.

Hermione: My feet! I can't move my feet!

Dumbledore: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!

Ron: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Severus: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Hermione: We're trapped!

Severus: It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice.

Dumbledore: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?

Ron: You mean...

Dumbledore: Yes, Ron, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself!

Hermione: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?


Severus: Planet, shmanet, Hermione!

You better wise up, and be nice.

You better wise up, build your thighs up,

You better wise up

Narrator: And then she cried out...

Hermione: Stop!

*Severus was cast against the wall as she screamed and flailed.

Severus: Don't get hot and flustered!

Use a bit of mustard.

Ron: Youíd better not try to hurt her, Severus Snape.

*Harry throws a switch and Ron becomes a statue.

Dumbledore: You'd better not try to hurt her, Severus Snape.

*Harry throws the switch again. Dumbledore becomes a statue.

Hermione: Youíd better notÖ.

*Harry doesnít wait to turn Hermione into a statue. Ginny comes flying into the room.

Ginny: My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you spurn me for Sirius, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Remus! You chew people up and then you spit them out again...I loved you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me and Remus.

*Severus nods to Harry. He throws the switch again, turning Ginny into a statue, as well.

Severus: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes my face ache... and my children turn on me...Remus's behaving just the way that Sirius did. Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?

*Harry loses his temper and advances on Severus.

Harry: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh?

Severus: Harry, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Alastor. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.

Harry: I ask for nothing...nothing.

Severus: And you shall receive abundance!

*Severus stalks to the elevator and climbs in.

Severus: Come, we are ready for the floor show!

*He closes the door and ascends. Alastor and Harry smile evilly.


Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Ron and Hermione should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Albus Dumbledore. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Ron and Hermione had both tasted forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals...and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had been shaped by Severus's crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.


*Severus dresses his statues in black lingerie. Their faces are painted like mimes, and they each have a feather boa.



*A switch tuns Ginny back into a human.

Ginny: It was great when it all began.

I was a regular Sevvie fan.

But it was over when he had the plan

To start a-working on a muscle man.

Now the only thing that gives me hope

Is my love of a certain dope.

Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

*Another switch, Remus comes back to life.

Remus: I'm just seven hours old,

And truly beautiful to behold.

And somebody should be told

My libido hasn't been controlled.

Now the only thing I've come to trust

Is an orgasmic rush of lust.

Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

*Another switch, Ron is back.

Ron: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

I'll be good; you'll see.

Take this dream away.

What's this?

Let's see, I feel sexy!

What's come over me?

Wo! Here it comes again.

*Once again, Hermione is back.

Hermione: I feel released; bad times decease.

My confidence has increased; reality is here.

The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.

It's a gas that Sevvieís landed!

His lust is so sincere.



A screen appears behind the dancers. Severus stands in the middle of a new platform.

Severus: Whatever happened to Fay Wray?

That delicate, satin-draped frame?

As it clung to her thigh

How I started to cry 'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.

Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure

And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh!

Don't dream it, be it.

All: Don't dream it, be it.

*As he sings, the music and magic seduce the others. They join him in singing as they approach him. Soon they are kissing and licking one another. Itís a full-blown orgy.

*A switch falls on itís own, and Dr. Dumbledore is freed. Dumbledore: Ach! We've got to get out of this trap before this decadence saps our wills.

I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well snap, and my life will be lived... for the thrills!

Ron: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

Hermione: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.



Severus: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,!

I'm a wild and an untamed thing.

I'm a bee with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All: We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're bees with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're bees with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.


*The door opens and Alastor and Harry come in, bearing some sort of strange guns. They are dressed in what are probably military uniforms of some type from their home planet.

Alastor: Severus Snape, it's all over.

Your mission is a failure;

Your lifestyle's too extreme.

I'm your new commander;

You now are my prisoner.

We return to Transylvania.

Prepare the transit beam.

*Everyone backs away form Severus.

Severus: Wait! I can explain!



Severus: On the day I went away...

All: Goodbye...

Severus: Was all I had to say...

All: Now I...

Severus: I want to come again, and stay.

All: Oh, my, my...

Severus: Smile, and that will mean I may. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home.

All: I'm going home.

Severus: Everywhere it's been the same...

All: ...feeling...

Severus: I'm outside in the rain...

All: ...wheeling...

Severus: to try and find a game...

All: ...dealing...

Severus: for sorrow, cards for pain. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home.

Severus & All: I'm going home.


Harry: How sentimental.

*They advance on Severus.

Alastor: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Harry and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Dumbledore: Great heavens! That's a laser!

Alastor: Yes, Dr. Dumbledore. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.

Ron: You're going to kill him? What's his crime?

Dumbledore: You saw what became of Sirius. Society must be protected.

Alastor: Exactly, Dr. Dumbledore. And now, Severus Snape, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to oblivion!

*Ginny screams, and Alastor shoots her. Severus climbs the curtains of the stage, trying to ecscape. Alastor shoots him. Remus goes to Severus, crying. Alastor shoots at him, but Remus isnít affected. Remus climbs the curtains, carrying Severusí corpse, but they fall. He and Severus fall to the ground, dead.

Ron: Good God!

Hermione: Oh! You killed them!

Harry: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Alastor: They didn't like me! He never liked ME!

Dumbledore: You did right.

*Alastor advances of Dumbledore, gun pointed at him.

Alastor: A decision had to be made.

Dumbledore: You're O.K. by me.

Alastor: Dr. Dumbledore, I'm sorry about your nephew.

Dumbledore: Sirius? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.

Alastor: You should leave now, Dr. Dumbledore, while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go... Now!

*The humans leave. Harry and Alastor laugh happily.

Alastor: Our noble mission is completed, my most beautiful sister, and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.

Harry: Ah, sweet Transsexual, land of night. To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain... To take that - step, to the right...

Both: HAH!!

Alastor: But it's the pelvic THRUST...
Transylvanians: That drives you insane!
Harry: And our world...will do the Time Warp...again!
*The house is beamed back to Transsexual.


Narrator: And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects, called the human race...
Lost in time, and lost in space,
And meaning.



Usherette: Science Fiction Double Feature.
Severus has built and
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered
Ron and Hermione.
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Picture show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,
Picture show.

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